The TPS Report

This past New Year’s Eve I tried chocolate for the very first time. Except it wasn’t normal chocolate – it was the good kind…. the kind riddled small bits of fungus. Since I was a fungus virgin, I opted to take half a chocolate which supposedly contained only about ¼ gram. Initially I thought this wouldn’t be enough but I eventually found out this would be sufficient, especially after factoring in the weed and the booze I was simultaneously consuming.

As the evening progressed, I got louder. I tend to do that when I drink - my voice increases several decibels and I talk a lot more. Alcohol – check.

On the television, we watched some funky colour patterns which corresponded to the music we were listening to. At first I thought to my self this was the stuff that stoners find highly entertaining. About 15 minutes later I thought it was the coolest thing – how the music and the images coupled and interacted together. When I commented on my observations, people laughed. And I laughed. And then I forgot why I was laughing. Weed – check.

The next thing I know, we’re riding on a bus. I don’t know where we’re going but I’m pretty sure we’re heading north towards town. But something wasn’t right and I was not feeling good. Perhaps it was some numbness from the rigid seats and several days worth of bike riding but my ass wasn’t quite right. It felt like there was water running down my backside and down my leg. I wanted to check my leg – discretely of course – and placed our backpack (full of liquor) from my lap to the seat next to me. Saba noticed and responded “congratulations for figuring that out” recalling the pack’s weight. Our group laughed and I faked it but was freaking out because I had to find out if I had really encountered a case of the runs or if I was simply wigging out due to the foreign substances. But the water continued to flow down my leg and panic set in. Surely if I had the runs, it would smell and those around me would smell it too. “This is the longest bus ride EVER…” Geoff announces because of the lengthy bus ride - seemingly prolonged by of his influenced mental state. But I was certain he was referring to the stink. I wiped beads of sweat from my brow and looked out the window to see we were close to my house. I strategized and made plans to check myself out and rang the bell to get off at the next stop – discretely of course, except Anna noticed but thankfully didn’t say anything. I had to get off the bus quickly in a way that they wouldn’t notice the waterfall stains on my pants which I was 70% convinced existed and couldn’t take any chances. As soon as the bus stopped, I told the group I would meet them at the party, and made a b-line for the door as fast as I could. I took the alley to my house – walking along the sidewalk was too risky, especially if I ran into one of my neighbourhood friends. How could I explain my circumstances to them!? I burst into my apartment and dropped my drawers…. dry like the Sahara. Mushrooms – check.